April 28th, 2016

4 a.m. A half conscious mind resting on a moist pillow trying to achieve absolute darkness, absolute peace. An hour passes.

My grandpa in his suit and tie stands there, like those in the black and grey photographs. I had known him to be a gentleman. It is a reunion of the Ordnance club. A lot of the old officers had arrived. I stood there, afar, glancing with my dreamy eyes. My dad was there too somewhere, I was trying to find him until I got dizzy, a hand pulling me out. I spotted a potbelly and stooping shoulders as I tried to reach for the clock. His moustaches grown white. His smile holding back something.

But my grandpa was rather different. The way I imagine poised officers of a British colony. His handshake was firm. His greeting in accordance to the formal affair. If I could find him alone, I'd perhaps ask him a thing or two.

6 a.m. Sun breaks in through the balcony door. I carry my weak legs to shut the light out.

7.30 a.m. Frank Sinatra playing again as the phone starts to ring. I get up to do the required job at hand. Thursday breakfast at hostel is slightly decent.

At 9, I lie down once more. Rest is all I need. Until I end up opening that page from last night, scrolling up and down, clicking and tapping.

This morning I find myself reading. Brain stimulated. Hooked to words and sentences, metaphors and allusions. This is my time to dream. With open eyes. I'm that kid again of those bigger dreams. Unreal and unsophisticated. Mine alone. In secrecy.